Ex-wife won’t let me see my daughter

Ok, this is not quite to do with the CSA but they get a mention.  My ex-wife and I had our lovely daughter in June £2000.  I loved my ex-wife to pieces, but soon after we were married things began to change.  As a couple we didn’t last and she ended up having an affair then going off with another woman!

I was kicked out of the house, made homeless and I ended up sleeping in my car for quite a while.  During this time she filed a CSA claim and I was of course hit by the maximum level of payment as I didn’t have a fixed address and no household bills to pay as such.

Whilst all this was going through I had no regular access to my daughter and it took me almost eighteen months to get a proper arrangement in place so that I could see her.  So basically I was paying nearly £300 a month for a child that I wasn’t allowed to see, even though I dearly wanted to spend time with her.

I now at least quite often get to see my daughter at weekends and she sometimes comes to stay at my house.  The ex-wife is at university now and I will often pick up our daughter on a Friday after school and take her home either on Sunday evening or Ill drop her off at school on the Monday morning.

Due to the nature of my job however, very occasionally this arrangement needs to change and I sometimes can’t see my daughter at the weekend.

Wedding rings - my ex-wife won't play fairAlso, sometimes my ex-wife takes her away for the weekend to her girlfriend’s house in London, or to a party or whatever and I cant see my daughter then either.  Fair enough though, because I think there needs to be some degree of flexibility in these matters.

The problem is that when I say I can’t have our daughter, the ex-wife throws a right tantrum and tells me that she’s my daughter and I need to put her first.  Yet when the shoe is on the other foot and she needs to take her away it’s a completely different story.  If I could have my daughter full time I would, but this of course could never happen as the law is biased towards the mother!

Heres another example of her selfish attitude.  This year the schools closed for Christmas on the Tuesday, so I asked if I could have our daughter from the Wednesday through to Christmas day; that way I could spend some quality time with her.  Usually I pick her up on Christmas Eve and then have to get her back to her mother by lunch time on Christmas day.  I thought it would be nice if I could spend the day with her properly for once.

The ex-wife turns around to me and says She’s my daughter too, and I would like to spend some time with her as well you know!

I couldn’t believe it.  She has her practically every day, picks her up from school and looks after her more than I do during the week and she wants more time with her!  Yet as soon as I need a weekend off to do something important, I get a lecture that I never want to spend any time with my daughter.  Apparently she is lumbered with her all the time and would like some time off once in a while!

So come on ex-wives, ex-girlfriends.  Give us a break, if we pay our way then let us have our say!

By: Stuartkeith

54 Responses

  1. notaman 07/10/2013 / 2:14 pm

    So you are all poor little victims. All women are crazy. Question: Is that all these women were so crazy when you slept with them?
    Those women you are all talking about are mothers and as mothers they are more than likely doing what they feel is right for their children. It is in fact their duty and what makes them mothers. Obviously mothers are just not "stopping" you to see the children just for the sake of it but for legitimate reasons of which (of course) none of you are mentioning. Too easy to expose only one side (yours) of your stories and blame women. Few of you talk about DNA tests as the ultimate solution to your problems… Let me tell you that if those mothers don't let you see their children as you are saying then why would you not believe them when they say that you are the father of their children? If they wanted to evict you from their children's life don't you think they would be more than happy to go along with a DNA test to finally have you pathetic men off their back? Or do you consider yourself so great that those mothers would do anything to pretend that you're fathers of their children?
    Finally if you all hate women so much why don't you all stay with your own kind and be happily gay ever after?

  2. herbert 17/08/2012 / 7:35 am

    i m sorry for putting this message here like this. I am just here to share my experience and to help who might want this kind of help. I have been scammed by fake casters that promised me results and get my money trying all my means to save my marriage. i was so despirate to keep my family as my husband wants a divorce. i decided to go spiritual as all i tried was not working. i seek spiritual helps to get things right but all i talked with never did anything for me. I was taken advantage of and i lost all my saving on that. i talked talked to a friend that was able to make me meet the help i searched for. when he said he will help, i never believed but im more than greatful now for giving him my last shot. You can get this great one on calebsam68@yahoo.com never let it go too. its a good trial if you want to use him and he is the best to work with. my vote all to him.
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  3. Shack 30/07/2012 / 10:04 am

    I pay child maintenece for my son unfortunatly recently I have lost my job so therefore unable to pay maintenace at the minute. My son has come down today for a week and we are also taking him away to Blackpool for a few days, the issue is that the mother has now not sent any clothes for the week knowing full well that I have no money to buy him some new clothes for the week so effectivly he has no clothes for the week or weekend away. He normally only comes down for a weekend at a time and I always have bought clothes for these times. We are going through a court case at the moment, is there any body that I can contact for advice on this situation.

  4. eyes-wide-open 29/07/2012 / 1:55 pm

    Hello JustMe,

    So sorry I've been unable to answer your post until now – health problems slow me down terribly.

    I've just re-read your original post and also your latest post and the one thing which seems to be a common factor is your ex's way of lying/twisting the truth. You need to protect yourself from attack from not only her but from anyone/any agency who is likely to exclusively side with her. It appears you are doing all the right things, but have no doubt that no matter how 'good' you are being, she WILL find something to complain about and will be able to blow it up into something to use against you. The bib issue is typical. She's right, of course, a baby shouldn't have its bib left on when its put down to sleep – so pretend she's always looking over your shoulder when you are doing something and think of what she'd complain about. It's terrible that people can be like this, but sadly this is quite common.

    Firstly, take NOTHING 'as read'. You have to become a real pain-in-the-arse jobsworth. For example, if money is handed over to her for your baby, make sure she signs a receipt in a proper receipt book with a duplicate page. Make sure every detail of what the money is for is shown on the receipt and that the words cannot be ambiguously translated. This is very important. The date and day must be recorded and the time the receipt is signed must also be noted. Give her the original tear-out copy and keep the carbon in the book for yourself.

    Each visit chould be recorded in a diary that you keep and it would be excellent if, as you arrive, you can switch on a tape recorder (show her you are doing this – it may make her more careful about what she says) and record the conversations with her and even better, the whole stay with your baby. I would say that a small video recorder would be even better. If she doesn't like it, too bad. She'll say something like 'you are being pathetic'. Simply agree. It IS pathetic, but tell her that the way things are between you means you have to protect yourself (and, actually, her as well) by covering every single corner.

    Try beyond what would be your normal breaking point to maintain a cool attitude at all times. Think Roger Moore as James Bond in a tricky situation. It may sometimes be very hard not to explode if she is provocative, but keep thinking of a court case and how you'd be derided and lose all contact with your baby if your ex said you were verbally abusive or violent in any way. Remember that he said/she said means nothing unless there is a retrievable record for a court's reference.

    Try not to get lawyers involved. This really does signal war and can end up bankrupting you, with nothing to show but a tent and a faithful dog after the dust has settled. Remember the word 'merciless' all the time. That's what she can be and what the courts usually show themselves to be.

    You know, time often heals and it will be worth recalling why the two of you initially found each other atractive and were sufficiently a couple that you created a brand new human being. Try and slowly suggest to her that the two of you will now be tied together for time eternal due to the child you both created and wouldn't it be great if you could look past the problems you have had and be friendly in your meetings. It is possible, many, many couple have found a way of doing it. It's all about pride – but it really doesn't matter who is right, YOU can replace the need to be right with simple humility and watch as the other person does the same. There's no need to be a doormat, but just be forgiving and understand that she is probaby as worried as you are and is doing what every good mother will always do – protect her baby above all else. Recall her good points, the things you initially loved, downplay the irritations – you are probably just as annoying to her ! Fire with fire = a big bloody fire. Fire with cool water = no fire eventually.

    I know this has probably sounded a bit daunting and depressing, but if you don't look after yourself, sure as hell no one else will (unless they are being paid, in which case you'll expect them to do their job effectively). I do hope this has helped a bit and sorry again for the slow response. Very best of luck.

    Please keep me posted and if I can be of any help or support, just say.

  5. JustMe 15/07/2012 / 8:59 am

    "eyes-wide-open" yes i have had the test and it has come back positive. Ex is being a pain. Been to mediation, sorted me going to her house on the weekend for a month to get to know the baby and have someone there with us, twice the person that comes with me couldn't stay all day and she never got someone to come like she was supposed to. Only last night she sent me an email saying that I put the baby to sleep and left her bib on her, left her unattended in the living room, and whilst i have been there4 she is accusing me of making advances on her!!! I would just like to add that all of which are complete and utter lies! So yeah any advice would be appreciated.
    I know what you are saying dal :)

  6. dal 06/07/2012 / 7:51 pm

    "just me" so many out here who share stories not unlike yours! you must do is drop it! let her think your happier in your life than she in her's, do not let her get your attention …

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